Once again I find myself crying for you. Now and again it hits me, totally out of the blue, and though it’s painful I have to say: it’s ok, it’s right that I cry for you, and my pain is nothing compared to what I put you through.
How can I feel sorry for myself when it was my doing, when it was me who said: kill her.
I was the one who made that choice. I was your mother and I had you murdered.
I am so sorry.
I trust that you are with Jesus, and that he has healed your pain. I am only able to carry on living because he has healed mine, and forgiven me – so the guilt isn’t weighing me down any more. Of course you’d be completely within your rights to scoff at this and say: how nice for you, you murdered me and you get to live without the guilt… You’d be right to say that. I don’t deserve God’s forgiveness. I’m just grateful that in his grace he did forgive me.
I’m so sorry.
The guilt is gone but the grief hasn’t – I don’t think it ever can. I don’t think you can ever stop grieving for your child, and it seems absolutely right to me that every once in a while, out of the blue, it hits me again.
Twenty one years. You’d have been a young woman by now. I’m sorry you didn’t even live to be one year old, you didn’t even live to come out of my womb. I’m sorry I cut your life so short, and in such a horribly painful way – I didn’t really know about the pain, I wasn’t told about that, the doctors spoke in such terms that you wouldn’t even have known we were discussing a human life, all so clinical and non-emotive, all meant to help me feel ok about doing it…
Not weighed down by guilt, but every once in a while the grief just comes out and explodes in a flood of tears. So what could I do but write? That’s how I deal with my emotions.
and this is one post I have to publish without editing, because the feelings are way too raw for calm and objective proofreading.
P.S. I wrote this because I needed to write it. But I published it not out of a need for public sympathy – I’m fine, I have the love and forgiveness of Jesus, and really that’s what I want you, reading this, to know: I want you to know that through Jesus, God’s forgiveness is available to all who sin, even those of us who have our babies killed. I want you to know that (1) killing babies is wrong, but (2) no sin is beyond God’s capacity for mercy – all we have to do is repent and turn to him.