a good friend asked. she could see that I wasn’t ok, as a good friend can when they look at your face and see you’re close to tears. is there anything I can do, she asked.
I said no, not really. She said she’ll pray – which really is the only useful thing anyone can do, but even that makes me feel like: I don’t deserve your help, I don’t deserve God’s help, my not being ok right now is actually perfectly ok because the only reason I’m feeling like this is because of facing up to my own sin – and being utterly overwhelmed by the grace I’ve received, both from God and from a fellow human I’d sinned against.
so people being kind when they see I’m not ok – it only adds to the huge pile of undeserved grace, so it makes me cry even more.
I’ve just been to church and cried when we had Communion because wow, Jesus died for a wretch like me! This is a truth I’ve known for years but once in a while it hits me more, and that’s good. I’d hate to get used to it, to stop being shocked by the extreme measures God took so that I could be ok with him, so that I’d become part of his family and know his love! What sacrifices am I willing to make for others? How much pain or discomfort would I be willing to go through for the sake of a friend, let alone for the sake of an enemy as Jesus did? I was his enemy before he made me his friend. The Bible says God showed his love for us in that he sent his Son to die for us while we were still sinners. I wouldn’t have ever come to know God’s love if he hadn’t reached out to me first, held out his nail-pierced hands and said: welcome into the family. Oh, but look at me, I’m a mess of sinfulness, how can I enter the household of God? I know, he said, but your mess is on me, I’ve taken care of it, look, see me dying on the cross and making atonement for absolutely everything you’ve ever done and everything you will still do… see me on the cross, bleeding and with my last breath declaring once and for all: It is finished!
Come in, he said, you’re welcome, we’ve been expecting you – since before the foundation of the world.
The words “thank you” seem like such a feeble response… as the song goes: love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul, my life, my all.