Pause. (but sadly no rewind)

One essay submitted, next one awaits but I’m pausing to recharge before I start working on that one. The one I’ve just done took the stuffing out of me, and left me feeling exhausted and also really sad.

People around me seem to think I should be euphoric because I beat the deadline. I’m sure back in my procrastination era I’d have been elated, the buzz of beating a deadline was so exciting – but I just don’t get that buzz anymore. and no, I don’t miss it. I much prefer the sense of satisfaction I felt when submitting the previous essay two months ahead of time! That was a wonderful feeling! Because I’d done justice to the essay question (at least I think so… I’ve yet to get the marked essay back and see what the lecturer thinks) and, while obviously not thinking it’s perfect, I felt content to hit the submit button and leave it.

With the one I submitted on Wednesday night (the deadline was noon on Thursday) I feel sad because I definitely didn’t do justice to the essay question, but I ran out of time and headspace – headspace was the massive challenge with this one, because I felt the question was really stupid and annoying and why do we really need to think about this at all… The two bits in my essay that I actually feel proud of are the bits where I veer away from the question and talk about why I think it’s pointless… Somehow I don’t think that will earn me good marks :-)  (That’s ok though. I’m not doing it for the marks. I’m doing this course because I want to learn.)

I also feel a tinge of pride at having found ways of expressing my opinions in acceptable academic lingo, where you’re not allowed to use “I” and it’s considered better to sound tentative – “one might perhaps suggest that…” instead of “I strongly disagree”… People who know me offline will know that the latter phrasing comes a lot more naturally to me :-)

Anyway, that’s done now, and there is no rewind button in real life, so there we are. No point crying over spilled milk, I just need to try and see what I can learn from this experience and what lessons I can apply when doing the next essay, which I’m looking forward to – it’s on a subject I’m really interested in, just like that one I submitted two months early, so the challenge here will be to restrain myself from reading too much :-) I have only four weeks for this – the same length of time I worked on the one I’ve just submitted, though in reality I’ll have more time because we’ve broken up from lectures now.

But I’m not starting on that till Monday. For now, I’m pausing: to rest, and to do all those little things that I’d put to the side so that I could beat the deadline – that’s also part of the recharging process, because when there’s too many little things accumulated in my to do pile, it can really get me down. I’m even behind on course-related filing, which I’ve normally been doing as I go.

Thank you for listening. Please help yourselves to cookies from my penguin’s magically self-replenishing cookie jar. I’ll be in the recliner, watching Shtisel on Netflix before I get up and start Doing The Things.

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